20.09.2014 - I woke today looking at the scars on my body, feeling alright with it.
1) From almost missing the transport at 2am ie. the hike panicking, to wishing I could capture the beauty of the night stars that only my eyes managed to.
2) The 12yo orphan drinks man with a fitness level my breathe couldn’t catch up with and supported me countless times up through the 1717m steps: First world problems are shameful.
3) The individuals I sent pictures of this view to, how the skyline changed in an instant and itself being the perfect gift.
4) The irony of going on a social media detox and posting this but at least I’ve rid myself of the disease of fomo.
5) Murphy’s Law stands and ashamedly, my directions still suck.
6) Found out that I really am not as independent as what people and I imagined myself to be so the past 3 days have truly been a stretch.
7) What David Levithan taught me: the proper verb for depression is sink.
8) Never felt so lost in a situation I put myself into but got through the evening with a (history) lesson of a fictional Holocaust survival story.
9) For the love (and dependence) of technology, thank God for my 3 best friends and family who made me feel less lonely today.
10) It still fascinates me how the foreigners and locals I came in contact with think I am Japanese and are surprised by my ‘good’ English, but in fact I am just thankful they speak the same language.
11) How lucky am I to meet Muthu and the rider who doesn’t understand English and brought me back safely despite me not having enough cash.
12) Maybe it’s because it’s my day but for once in my life, I feel like luck has been on my side, and I want to rmbr this feeling.
13) Honestly doubted the journey of self-discovery but I am amazed by how my mind has changed in this trip.
14) From stepping in here as a lost sheep to getting inspired and wanting to inspire (again). From growing to dislike each adding year and the idea of my birthday to embracing it, thank you Bali.
15) I am still a city girl.
Maybe I should finally start a blog, end of verbal vomit post. (at Mount Batur Volcano)
"Love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does."
My wish today and from now on: To practice an open heart, believe in self and continue to live (with hope). (at Mount Batur)
To be able to feel excitement about things, happiness when a new shirt fits, contentment when there is food for sustenance, being able to dream about the world and being out there, thinking of the interests of my friends and family and holding them dearly to me still - a huge part of my heart is thankful for these feelings, for they make the now immense self-absorbent poisonous and deathly thoughts a little less mind consuming.
Retaining is key. And I wish I could do more in controlling.
"Still, why do I feel so responsible
for the wailing from shattered houses,
for birth defects and unjust wars,
and the soft, unbearable sadness
filtering down from distant stars?"
"The thing about sadness is that it never warns you that it will come back. You’ll end up with an aching heart again, minutes after laughing, and it will feel like you found someone in your house; someone who you thought had left."
I wonder what it feels like - to have a vehicle so many times bigger than your body coming at you at 110km/h or 60km/h; if a swift speed makes it instantaneous for you to lose all senses and pain, to have your body burning or foam coming out of your mouth from the pills and while you’re choking you regret the very moment you consumed poison; you struggle to stop suffering in the process for your eventual goal or allow your body to experience all kinds of disgusting discomfort just for it to finally end, to stand at the edge of the ledge and feel your own body trembling with or without looking down; free falling against gravity for an arduous journey of extreme pain and having sent in to let doctors save you while your sedated brain can’t get your body to tell them you don’t want to be saved, or how does it feel like to have a knife stabbed deep right into your stomach. There are definitely many other ways, of which is closer to painless I do not know.
I wonder how does it feel like to pluck that final courage for the plunge, to not care about the world and be self-absorbed enough up to do something for yourself.
But most of the times we lack courage. Just as how the heart wants things it cannot get, you allow your body to experience the searing pain through the knife despite being intolerant of it, as it is the very thing that makes you feel alive. And the very truth is, the real monsters live inside your head. I wonder which is harder and scarier, fighting the thought of ending everything or how to stop your mind seething this much poison and inadequacy in your beating organ that you just wish for it to stop.